Reprint of old column from 5/22/2004
Happy Mother's Day to all the women who raised us!
This was my all-time favorite moment from the "Friends" TV show. It's a few hours after the birth of Ross's son (not with Rachel) and all the friends are meeting the baby for the first time. Monica, Ross's sister, holds her newborn nephew tenderly, tears in her eyes with awe for this new life in her family.
She chokes up as she croons to the baby. "Hi Ben. I'm your aunt. I will always love you, and I will protect you the best I can and ...um, I promise I will always, um.... have gum."
An aunt is a funny role to play. Where there is so much love and so few duties there ends up being a world of humor, nuttiness, and healing. We celebrate mothers and fathers, secretaries (OK, administrative staffers), dead presidents, war heroes, labor unions, and Arbor Day. But do we ever, on purpose, honor the wonderful women who were and often still are the release valves of our lives?
Aunts are living proof that you don't have to do everything the way your mom and dad say. Your parents and grandparents can be such a universe of "Thou shalt" and "Thou shalt not." They tell you must get A's in arithmetic, sit quietly through funeral services, keep your clothes clean and your shoes on. You can't go swimming right after you eat, you should drive carefully, date responsibly, and always floss before you go to bed.
And then through your front door comes, well, I better not say her name. But there she is, the woman who does not hang her clothes up after she wears them, who has a boyfriend or girlfriend who makes your mother shudder, who knows all the words to "Diarrhea." She smokes, gets speeding tickets, and likes you when you even when you get D's. Sometimes she likes you better when you get D's. Solidarity can be so affirming.
Or, if your family is chaotic your crazy aunt might be the one who is sane. She takes you shopping for clean underwear, introduces you to the amazing world of cooked vegetables, attends your school events because your parents can't or won't. She is an oasis of human decency and her presence in your life sustains you in powerful ways.
I have three aunts which means I learned early there were options in life.
One aunt could have run an army. She was kind and welcoming, she was also extremely attuned to where we all were, what we were doing, and if we were behaving. I loved to play at her house because there were a zillion things to do. I also always knew that at her house, no one would ever swear or eat a muffin without saying grace.
Another aunt had on-going health issues so she did what she could with limited stamina. She fed everyone. She loved everyone. She made music. What she didn’t do was keep a tightly tidy house. Yet I realized as I grew up she was my life lesson in what hospitality looked and felt like. From “important” adults to six-toed cats. We were all welcome in her home and her life.
And then there was the aunt who (gasp, again) had friends who smoked cigarettes! She belonged to a country club! This lively aunt also knew the kinds of stories my parents would never have told me, i.e., back when my parents and grandparents were not quite so pious or polished. I treasure every one of her irreverent stories.
My aunts loosened my thinking while being examples of different ways one can live a good life.
And then what happened? Some new people bloomed into my life. My niece and my nephews clued me into the fun it can be to BE the aunt. (After I wrote this, two more little nephews came along who are now amazing young men.) As they say, "Living well is the best revenge." Here’s a whole new opportunity to misguide a whole new generation.
The world measures lineage as if it was a straight ladder descending neatly from parent to child to grandchild. Perhaps the real truth of who we are is in our aunts (and uncles) who brought us light, love, and the chutzpah to explore unique paths.
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