A-Z Friends - "Bright and Daily as Steel" | Mary Beth Danielson Writes

Fri, 02/17/2023

In the 1970’s I attended La Salle Street Church in Chicago. Many people there were young, single, from all over Chicago and all over the nation (plus a really cute guy from New Zealand) and we were all in Chicago for jobs, hopes, and dreams. Most Sundays an informal bunch of us would walk to some local restaurant for a few hours eating and talking and feeling like we belonged, a rare feeling when one is 20-something and far from home.

One Sunday a new, upbeat, fast-talking woman joined the group and happened to sit next to me. We had a great time talking and afterwards we both caught the same bus going north - so we kept talking. I have no idea now what we talked about, but we talked fast about things we both knew and cared about. By the time I arrived home that afternoon I felt great, enthused about life, happy I’d met this great person who could become my friend.

And? I never saw her again. She didn’t come back to LaSalle. We hadn’t shared phone numbers. I think of her as my Brigadoon soulmate friend.

I’ve never forgot that afternoon where I felt extremely okay with who I was and who I was on my way to becoming.

Occasionally friends are soulmates. Sometimes you meet a person who reminds you of what it feels like to be your best self. A person who wants to eat the kind of food you want to eat, who wants to do the kinds of activities you like to do, who likes to travel or stay home the way you like to travel or stay home. A person who likes your music, your favorite authors, and who wants to talk about what you want to talk about. All this in a person who thinks you are fine, fun, and worthy. Rare, but if and when you meet that person, try to become their friend for life – or marry them. Or both.

Although most of the time we don’t find imaginary soulmates sitting next to us in a pancake restaurant.

Friends are the people who help. When we were building a fence I realized the astonishing truth that I was not strong enough to help Len manipulate a posthole digger. We called the undocumented Salvadoran family we knew who drove right over to help. Friends come and help right now, even if they speak a different language.

The first night Len was in the hospital and I called Jennifer and before I could spit out the whole story, she said she would take care of our cats. A few night later, at 9:30 PM and just home from the hospital, there was no hot water and I didn’t know what to do. A different friend came right over and relit the pilot light.

Being able to CHOOSE to help others is a luxury of adulthood. Food pantries, political organizations, schools, eco/conservation groups, the neighbors - there are so many worthy and interesting ways to be helpful in our communities. A lot of us are finding our friends these ways these days.

Friends are people who see and say the parts in us we do not see in ourselves. I know I notice things others don’t always see. I know I remember more crazy stuff from years ago than most people remember. I know these specific things because through my life a few friends have said these things to me. I could sit here and tell you who and when but that’s not the point. Friends who knew me pointed out ways in which I have these particular attributes and skills.

It wasn’t my family who told me to go crazy places, expect to fail sometimes, and try hard things. It was friends. Always it was the friends. Right?

Friends allow us to be a jerk from time to time. Have you ever lied to a friend because you said you were going to do something and then you didn’t want to do it? And they found out? And they were not delighted but they kept on being your friend because you aren’t usually like that? Did you ever carefully tell a friend how much you don’t like a specific person – whom they later married? Do you sometimes get all judgy and they know it and they don’t give you a hard time? Friends know we get tired and frustrated. Friends don’t require us to always live up to our standards.

Friends expect us to change. Last week I read “All this Could Be Different” by Sarah Thankam Mathews. (Super highly recommend.) A young woman just out of college has to figure out how to live her inconvenient truths in Milwaukee. Her parents are from India, she has difficult secrets from her childhood, she is lesbian, her impressive job and financial situation will change drastically. The novel is about the friends who support her as she supports them. Her friends push her to face things she doesn’t want to face. Friends pull and push to be honest. This novel is a powerful story of adults figuring out how to move forward when so much is in their way.