Sex and Granola

I read a Substack article recently about how to get more Substack readers. The article advised catchy titles.

That’s why the title today is Sex and Granola. Goofy … but you’re here, right? 

This week I made granola and then a friend asked for the recipe so that’s where this started. 

I hadn’t made granola in so many years I’d forgotten I know how, but I woke yesterday with granola on my mind. (These things happen.) I was going to the grocery store anyways so I bought ingredients and made it yesterday afternoon. November in the Upper Midwest, late in the day, sky almost dark, kitchen lights on, the smell of baking granola. Yeah, that’s nice.

So what’s the backstory here? Cuz you know I have a story.

I went to a college in a Chicago suburb in the early 70’s. During my first year I heard of an opportunity to volunteer at a ‘cool’ (gag) Christian bookstore in the city. Logos Bookstore. 2616 N Clark. (How on earth have I remembered that address all these years?)

I bet the Logos chain of Christian bookstores was bit of a scam. I mean, how do other bookstores compete with a store that can get most of their staff to just volunteer? 

I worked Saturday evenings which meant I left Wheaton late afternoon, took the Northwestern into the city, then I took a city bus north to Logos. Two hours door-to-door and (current cost) more than ten dollars each week. It was nuts but it gave me a way to leave the college where I never felt at home and go into the city that I hoped would someday let me stay. Which it did.

I worked 6:00-10:00 and THEN took a bus back to the nearly deserted station, the train back to the burbs, and then a multi-block walk back to campus. If you think that was a gamey trek for a 19-year old girl from rural Michigan, you’re right. 

Except my volunteer co-worker soon started driving me back to the station at night. He was an old (in his 30’s, hah) guy with thick glasses, thinning hair, and truly homely polyester pants and shirts. He was also married with kids and I guess at first I thought he was giving me rides because he was one of those ‘good dad’ types. I was wrong. A few months into our quiet Saturday nights in one of Chicago’s most hopping neighborhoods (when it says Christian on the door, you don’t get the wilder set) – he asked if I’d like to come into the city earlier on Saturdays and go out for a coffee. Or something. 

I was flabbergasted. I’m sitting here now, laughing while wincing at how naïve I was. I politely said no while mentioning that he was married. He sighed and said yes, though it wasn’t a happy marriage. I must have said something along the lines that that was his problem then, not mine. 

Here is where I would like to pause in this corrupt, disgusting, assaultive, Jeffrey Epstein and the Rich Boys rape and cheating moment to say – that bookstore guy never came on to me again. He never touched me. He didn’t ask me to help him in isolated corners. We went back to talking about unpacking books and waiting on our few customers and how was your week and can I give you a ride to the station?

He was ready to cheat on his family but he was ALSO honorable. When I said no, it was no. People are complicated. 

After a few more months I quit that gig though years later, when I applied to work at a bookstore in my hometown, the owner hired me.  He said, “No one ever applied here before who had actually worked in a bookstore.” Very little in a heartfelt life goes to waste.  

…

Granola?

It was a bookstore! It was packed with cool books! I could buy them with a discount! I couldn’t afford many but it was where I first encountered Annie Dillard’s ‘new’ Pilgrim at Tinker Creek which was so awesome and still is.

It’s also where I had time to peruse The More With Less Cookbook, which was assembled by Mennonite cooks and missionaries. It started with a long essay that clearly explained why people should become acquainted with meals that are both more and less than hunks of meat. I read every bit of that long essay and it changed how I considered cooking and eating. It opened a culinary world of meals, recipes, and ideas I would live with all my life. Heck, two days ago I made a spicy bean, quinoa, tomato and corn soup. That’s a heritage from More With Less.

Tasty food. International recipes (those Mennonite missionaries went everywhere!). Empowering food that say one doesn’t need to be rich to eat well, that good people eat well on simple foods everywhere.

In the middle of More With Less was a recipe for granola that is always delicious and never the same. 

Here we go:

You will need about 7-8 of these ingredients: oatmeal, wheat germ, wheat bran, cornmeal, grape nuts, flax seeds, flaxseed meal, nutritional yeast, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds, chia seeds, pumpkin seeds, coconut, dry milk solids, chopped nuts, simple unsweetened cereals such as cornflakes or cheerios. You get the idea. Flakey flakes or seedy seeds. (Seedy seeds sounds like CDC. Hah. ) 

Decide how much you want. I always make a big batch because I give a fair amount away. I mix my granola in my big soup pot with straight high sides.

Half of the  mixture starts with plain (uncooked, obvs) old-fashioned oatmeal.  I use a large measuring bowl in which I start with 7-8 cups of oatmeal flakes. Dump that in the mixing pot. 

Use the same measuring bowl, now combine an equal amount of a mixture of whatever seeds and flakes you are going to use. I generally add to that second bowl of ingredients around 2-3 cups of cornflakes or cheerios - because granola ingredients get expensive fast. 

Add one cup of brown sugar (you can use other sweeteners but I never do.)

Add about ¾ cup of canola oil.

Mix for a while.

NOW add about ¾ cup of any kind of flour plus 1-2 cups of water. These are the magical ingredients that will make the granola clump. 

Stir well. You will appreciate the high walled soup pot at this point, which helps to keep crumbs and flakes from flying all over.

Dump the granola into a large flat pan. For years I used one of those disposable roasting pans one buys at the grocery store. (Same pan for years.) Now I use a turkey roasting pan. 

Bake in a 300-degree oven for 1 ½-2 hours. Stir every 15-20 minutes until all the ingredients are very, very dry. You don’t want moist granola. Completed granola will smell wonderful and be super crunchy.

Add dried fruit LATER , after baking, if you want it. 

Here’s the final thing. Use this as a topping on boring cereals. It’s generally too rich to eat a cup all at once. Sprinkle it over whatever else you are eating. It’s a winner on ice cream or yogurt. My son takes a bag of it in his pocket when he hunts. Walk across your home state with it in your backpack. Or, just quietly wander into the kitchen to eat with a discreet spoon straight from whatever airproof system you choose to use. (Bags or plastic or glass storage boxes). No one will know. 

And there you go. Sex and granola.